and the Italian for minestrone is...

I blame Christmas! Two months without a blog - how on earth did you cope? What shall we talk about? And in what language? Ah! There you have it! If this blog is supposed to be about Life in Liguria, one might assume a little Italian (Little Tony was a little Italian who wooed many a young maid when he appeared on the ground-breaking 60's tv programme 'Oh Boy' but I'm far too young to remember that or him).

My problem is that I speak very little of the language. I've tried. Oh, have I tried? Well, I was warmly recommended to avail myself of the Michel Thomas tapes/CDs. You don't need to know how I acquired them (no names, no pack drill - whatever that means). Only marginally put off by the atrocious wig said Thomas was balancing on part of his head, I plunged in. Two students are taught by the master on the CDs and the listener becomes the third student. I have fallen in love with the voice and manner of the female student and hope she has nothing to do with the intelligence-starved male student. There are something like 8 CDs in the series but, in theory, the first 2 give an excellent grounding in the language. Also in theory I must not make notes and if I fail to master Italian it is the fault of the teacher not the student - nice cop out!

I've listened to the first 2 CDs dozens of times. Michel Thomas, now sadly departed this life - presumably so he had the opportunity to turn in his grave at my efforts - was of European extraction. (I, myself, am off to a Romanian dentist tomorrow). This means that his enunciation sometimes causes confusion. For example, when he explained that the literal Italian translation of 'I am hungry' is 'I have a little salmon' I was somewhat sceptical to say the least. It took several hearings before I realised he was saying 'a little famine'.

Italian is a really easy language to learn for two main reasons. You don't need anything other than the present tense. 'La vedo domani' - 'I see you tomorrow' and so many words are practically the same - 'probabile' - go on have a guess. The real problem lies in having the opportunity and the diligence to put theory into practice. I go into the bakers (you see I'm in present tense mode already). In theory I could say 'Buon giorno. Come sta? Ah bene bene. Vorrei duo croissante naturale per favore. Mille grazie.' In practice I point at the croissants and put two fingers up - if you'll pardon the expression. You see the problem.

What I need is one to one conversation on a formal basis, possibly even with money changing hands. A friend of mine has taken this to its logical conclusion and married an Italian but my wife has vetoed this idea in my case. As we still spend much of our time in, currently snowclad, England and have a thriving Italian community in our midst, (where would you rather live - Tuscany or Twickenham? Answers on a foccaccio to ... No I don't live in Twickenham but I liked the idea of two T's - no sugar in mine.), it should be easy to find a young (female- dream on!) student in need of a modest amount of hard cash. But where to begin?

Actually Ialready have a potential source but in Liguria. On a train trip from Ventimiglia to Limone - thoroughly recommended - I sat next next to an Italain male. He was studying an Italian - English dictionary. We chatted away - mostly in our respective languages - and it transpired that his summer home was in the same village as ours. Quelle coincidence as they might say over the border. Fast forward eighteen months and who should I sit next to on the bus from the village to the coast? Exactly. He was even on the same bus as my little party when returning from the coast later the same day. We invited him, his wife and daughter to see our house but couldn't persuade them to stay for a drink. (I found it interessante, see what I mean, that when he explained they were rushing home for homemade pasta and I suggested they might be enjoying a robust Italian red with that, he almost recoiled in horror - 'no wine with pasta' he expostulated! I've always believed that you can't have pasta without red wine. That's my story and I'm sticking..actually that is my story for today. I'll keep you informed. Hasta la vista as they must say somewhere.